It’s okay to be alone for a bit.

As I was wrapping up my blog post on my takeaways from Atomic Habits Part II, I started brainstorming ideas for my next blog post. While writing the point on how environment matters, I started going on about how changing yourself for the better may mean leaving people behind. I realized trying to encapsulate everything I wanted to say would be an entire blog post on its own. Spoiler: things are about to get personal.

In 2023, I graduated college and moved to an entirely different state. The move was daunting to say the least - I was excited and afraid of what was to come. New job, new state and…a new community? Well, maybe not so much the last one. However, before I jump into that, let’s take a trip down memory lane to when I first moved to the United States.

My Not So “College Experience”

In 2019, I moved to the United States to pursue a bachelor’s degree. Like most people coming to a foreign country, I was both excited and nervous. I had heard so much about the “American Freedom” and I couldn’t wait to get a taste of it. However, I knew that I was going be quite alone. I barely knew one guy who coincidentally went to the same university as me and the closest family member to me was well over a 1,000 miles away. New and slightly naïve, I thought that in no time, I would quickly find a group of people I could be super good friends with. Oh boy was I wrong.

Remember these calls you had with your friends?

The pandemic hit. In just 6 months of my new life, the place I was living in went into lockdown. We whipped out our remote setups, kept our cameras off, and began the Zoom classes. As for most people, this was a period of severe isolation and I was not an exception. I lost touch with the little friends I made and the only time I really interacted with people was for class projects or with my roommate who wasn’t in the apartment often. This went on for a year and a half, all the way to my junior year when we had some in-person classes. Now, you may empathize with me and may even feel sorry for me. However, I say that you shouldn’t because this period of time was one that looking back, I really needed.

time to Think Deeply

I’ll revisit college in a bit but let me deviate slightly to talk about why that period of loneliness was much needed. You see, I came to the United States seriously wanting to move and stay here. At the time, I thought if I did “enough” (by that I mean getting good grades, picking a decent major, and an internship), I would have a job waiting for me before I graduated. I didn’t truly know what it would take to accomplish that. Luckily, I had an uncle who back when he was my age, did what I wanted to do and successfully immigrated to the United States. I sought his advice and without any sugarcoating, he told me that I would have to give up a lot of pleasures and luxuries to achieve my goals. After that, his words were etched into my brain. I couldn’t stop replaying what he told me on loop. I had to do some deep thinking, and here is where being alone seriously helped.

Introspection is something that I think we don’t do often enough. We are often consumed and distracted by other things in our lives such as social media, parties, and dating that it is easy to forget that in order to really figure things out, we must look inward. Being alone gave me a lot of time to focus and think about who I wanted to be and what will I do to get what I want. Maybe I’m just different, lucky, or both, but I saw things differently than most second-year, sophomore students. I was already thinking about my life beyond university. I had to ask myself:

Which is more important: my goals or my pleasures?

Had I not had this time of loneliness to think and decide who I wanted to be, would I even be where I am? Would I have accomplished my goal of staying here and working in a job that I actively learn from and challenges me every day? I ask questions like these whenever people ask me if I regret my choices. While everyone can have their opinion, I seriously doubt I would be here. I would’ve just continued on with my ways not knowing they were the very thing that would prevent me from reaching my goals. Did I maybe go a bit extreme? Maybe. Do I regret it? Hell no.

From my perspective, I think our society encourages us to constantly be with others albeit with some good reasons. If you are a loner or even just alone, you are viewed at as “weird” or even “unattractive”. I agree - it is important to have people around you that you can trust and lean on. With that being said, it is equally important to be able to be alone - and I think a lot of people cannot do that for extended periods of time.

My Not so “College Experience” Cont.

Long story short, I decided that I was going to do whatever it takes to accomplish my goals. First step? Get my first job, which I did in March of 2021 where I worked as a technician. Later that year, I got my first internship. I worked two part-time jobs while studying full-time. While the jobs themselves changed, I did this pattern for the remainder of my college life (except for the Summer, where I interned full-time at a Big 4 consulting firm). This was definitely not how I thought I would spend my university life. I am not a clubber, partyer, a frat boy or even a huge socialite but if you’d asked the freshman me on his first day on campus, he didn’t think he would become someone who would commit himself to being alone and grinding in the shadows.

I adopted the grind and I became obsessed with it

In the end, the sacrifice was worth it. I had a job waiting for me 3 months before I graduated - a feat in my eyes. Most people at the time were still searching for jobs and many would never find one till it was too late. However, I knew that this job came with a hurdle: it was in an entirely different state.

A 2nd Fresh Start

In life, we have to make tough decisions - decisions that turn into dilemmas. My mind swirled with reasons to move. I thought to myself: “You know nothing about this state, and you’re thinking of moving there for some job in less than a week after graduation?” In the end, circumstances forced my hand and I needed a fresh start. I had to leave my internship at the time and started preparing for my second “big move”. While I did know some people who were in the area, I again knew I was all alone. My mindset back then was: “I worked my butt off for 2 years so that I can catch a break. Where’s the social life I missed out on?” It certainly didn’t help that I had new personal demons to fight which the loneliness just amplified. I felt trapped and thought that this was the zenith of my life.

It was as if I was imprisoned by my own doing; my own demons wouldn’t let me go

Then, something clicked in my head one day. What drove me to change and become someone who chased after what he wanted? A goal. A mission - something that I can actively set, map out a way to get there and then execute. I’ve hit one goal, why can’t I do it again? Why should I stop here? It was in this process of contemplation, that it dawned on me:

I was not yet done. This, is only the beginning.

Setting Higher Goals

I realized that once I graduated university, it was the classic case of “what’s next?” Sure, I did have a larger goal ahead, but I knew that goal was more of letting time pass. My mind cannot comprehend just “letting it pass”. I wanted to make it big in this world because I’ve learnt that there’s never been a better time to be ambitious than today. I think the world is full of opportunity. However, this is only if you put yourself in a position for not only such opportunities to come by but for you to be ready to capitalize on those opportunities. I was already employed making more than the median income for people my age, some people would say that’s enough. But I’m not satisfied with “enough”. I want to do more than people around me. Over the weekends and after work hours, I went into deep thought about what I can do to take myself to the next level instead of moping about and letting those demons get to me. Amongst the things I decided to undertake (which I’ll make another blog post on)? Well, this very blog.

You may think that this is just a blog, nothing more than just a hobby. While yes - it is a hobby at the moment and something I do after I finish my work commitments. However, I still take this seriously. I do my best to produce valuable content for you instead of churning out rubbish. Each post has genuine thought and intention behind them. This isn’t to brag about what an amazing person I am but it’s to let you know that this is a solution I’ve found to loneliness:

Find a goal and dedicate yourself to it (and I mean really dedicate yourself to it).

My FInal Thoughts

I get it: we as humans naturally crave social acceptance and even socialization in general. It also doesn’t help that our society constantly reinforces the idea that we have to always be with others and that “straying from the pack” makes you a weirdo or an outcast. However, I am here to give what I think: it is okay. In fact, it is necessary. Being alone doesn’t have to be an eternal thing but what I am saying is that you need to be okay with being alone for a period of time. Why? Because there will be times in your life where you will be alone and those are the times you need to use wisely.

If you’re reading this and are alone, find something to dedicate yourself to. Whether it’s a sport/the gym, content creation, a new language or job skill, or even learning how to make friends and influence people, do it. What matters more is that you give it your 100%. The start will be hard but your mind will learn to adjust to the new normal. Stay in the fight just a bit longer and you may end up truly discovering your potential.